6th Entry - Too Human

Hello, everyone. This week I'm reviewing Too Human.



Too Human - Xbox 360 - 3rd Person Adventure/Shooter

This is a game Goof and I really wanted to be good. It's about Norse mythology, how could it not be? Well, the reason I'm doing this one and not Goof , is the Norse part, or rather lack thereof. If Goof were to do it, there would be pages and pages of how wrong it is. I'll just say it failed and move on.

As a change of pace I'll start out with all the good parts, cause there were some. The warhammer weapon class made a satisfying "tink" sound when you hit people with them. Plus there is a weapon class that i can only describe as Death Cannons. Plus the graphics where technically good but they made some poor aesthetic choices.

OK, so on the parts that suck. And there are many.

The controls are terrible, like really, really, bad. I guess it was supposed to be an innovative feature like in Fight Night (I loved that game). But anyway, the controls involve you just randomly swinging the right thumb stick around, and that's just the melee. The gun controls are even worse. To fire you press the right trigger and to shoot powerful shots the left trigger. Sounds simple enough, but don't let it decieve you; it doesn't let you aim. You have to use a terrible lock on feature. It says you can select targets but really you can only select targets at the far left or right. If you want to target the big guy in the middle you're pretty much screwed, plus God help you if you end up turned around trying to shoot something.

Now lets talk about the camera control. Instead of making the right stick the camera they just made it failsuck. You can hit left bumper to center it behind you but you can't really in the middle of a fight. So you end up not knowing where you are going most of the time.

So on to the game play. As I mentioned on the controls section you just swing the thumb stick around. A lot. Like that's all you do. Each level consists of you fighting progressively bigger enemies till you get to the boss at which point you swing it around some more then he dies. Yay, you win. This is like a lot of games, but in this game the enemies don't even change. Like they don't even get a different paint job. Then after every hundred or so (not an exaggeration you kill a lot of things) you fight a big named guy. But the only different part about him is he is bigger has more health and a really gay name, like "Wrist Slit" (Not kidding really a guy you fight). The only game play change is the last level. For those of you who know about Norse mythology you go to Helheim(on a side note no one can ever leave Helheim, not even gods), for everyone else you go to Hel and fight zombies and even Garm (the zombie guard dog). So instead of robot elves (I guess I forgot that part, up to this point everything you fight is a robot. Also there are no elves in Norse mythology, I wasn't kidding when I said they failed) you fight zombies. Big change, but not really cause you just swing the right thumb stick around till everything dies.

I'm putting in an extra paragraph to rant about "Cyberspace". I'm relatively sure they just put this part in to pretend they had puzzles. Mostly it just removes you from the other game play and forces you to go push a button, later in the game you have to chose between three buttons. It's really hard.

So on to the loot. This game drops crap tons of loot. But really you just need to wait till you find an orange piece then you can use it for like ten levels and just sell everything else you pick up. I do wonder though, if you're supposed to be a god, why is the stuff you pick up off dead robots better than the stuff you start out with?

The story is also pretty terrible, I can sum it up in some short sentences. You wake from the dead. You kill the Grendel (by the way this is from Beowulf, not Norse). You fight Hod, because he killed you. Loki gets away. You kill Hel, Loki's daughter. And really the Grendel part isn't important i just wanted to point out that part not even loosely based on Norse myths.

The only cool part is Thor cause he's just a bad ass, when you first meet him be breaks the table with his hammer and asks for some mead. Plus they gave it a terrible ending, just asking for a sequel but all that's left is to kill Loki.

I bash this game a lot, but it wasn't really super terrible. I definitely had to force myself to finish it, cause it was the opposite of fun. I give it three out of seven failhammers.

4th Entry- Point Break

Hey guys, this week I'm keeping with the movie theme and doing Point Break, and while this movie is old it is still hilariously bad.

This is what it says on the back of the box: "'Ultra-stylized, testosterone-charged action, death-defying stunts, wall-to-wall rock music and ear-shattering sound' (Village View(who has ever heard of them)) are just the backdrop for this super-intense, high-octane thriller..." I mean really I don't even have to come up with a joke, it's that ridiculous. I really enjoyed this movie, but not as a high-octane thriller (lot of hyphens on there aren't there) but more as a laugh out loud comedy.

It has every thing from super campy dialogue, such as Patric Swayze's famous line "Little hand says it's time to rock and roll." (really what does that even mean, does his watch's second have a 'rock and roll' time, and if so where did he buy it?)
to ridiculous action scenes; like a 90 second conversation held in free fall, when in reality you can't hear anything much less have a conversation and the fall lasts thirty seconds at most after which your just a splat on the landscape. My favorite scene ever is when Gary Busey and Keanu Reeves (I'm not going to mention the character names cause really who cares?) hatch their plot to catch Patrick's merry band of surfer/bank robbers. After they figure that all they need to do is put Keanu under cover as a surfer (which he fails at by the way) they jump up on the table and start table surfing. I wish I could find a picture because you really have to see it the appreciate the fail, but apparently they signed a deal with the devil cause i can't find it anywhere.

The plot is just sad. Keanu is a wet behind the ears F.B.I. agent who thinks he is going to change the world. There are these bank robbers nobody can catch but this one old guy (Gary Busey) that everybody hates knows they are surfers because of some bogus police work that anyone with half a brain knows is total crap. So anyway he tells his new partner about his theory and then Keanu goes under cover, too bad he can't surf, plus I guess he is too dumb to remember a cover id so he doesn't even change his name. So he meets this super hot chick that also happens to be an x-girlfriend or some such of the bank robber, our pal Patrick. I guess he's just super lucky cause she also wants to bang the crap out of him. So blah blah he learns to surf and impresses the bank robbers, by getting in a fight with the bad crowd. He totally thinks it's this bad group cause no way, it can't be his friend Patrick, he's too cool. Turns out he's wrong and his friends find out he's a cop. So they then kidnap him and go parachuting(?).

Later after some sexual tension between him and his girlfriend, they force him to help rob a bank. Yet again not sure why I don't know they gain by this but hey it's a terrible movie anyway so I'll go with it. Of course something goes wrong one of them gets shot and the cops come. This lead to one of the dumbest chases ever. Keanu trips and Patrick gets away but as he's climbing the fence Keanu pulls out his gun, but because he is his friend he can't shot him, so instead he shoots into the air probably kill and bunch of kids, cause of that whole gravity thing. Then later Keanu is on the plane with the surviving bank robbers (no one knows why, probably not even the writers) and Patrick jumps out leaving no chute for Keanu so he jumps after him. Again not sure why cause the plane isn't crashing and there's even a living breathing pilot but whatever. So this leads to the 90 second free fall complete with conversation, which as I already discussed is just wrong. Then because Keanu's a dumb ass Patrick gets away.

Later in Australia (I do this transition because it's pretty much how it is in the movie) Patrick is going to catch the perfect wave and Keanu shows up with a bunch of cops and then he lets him surf and then quits his job. Then the movie ends.

I really wonder what everyone who was making this movie thought of it. Like this movie was bad for when it can out but I guess everybody on set didn't want to admit it and just lied to themselves. So in the end I give it four out of seven fail boards.

2nd Entry - Kane and Lynch: Dead Men

Kane and Lynch: Dead Men - Xbox 360 - 3rd Person Shooter

This is a game i had high hopes for. It's a cool concept, plus Goof and I like co-op games, so this seemed like a perfect choice. The story is pretty simple; these two guys are broken out of jail by some criminal organization to rob a bank. Why, I'm not sure. Kane i understand sort of. He owes them money so they make him do bitch work. Lynch, however, makes no sense. He's in jail for maybe killing his wife no one knows if he did it or not not even him. This seems to be his whole criminal career. Plus he blacks out some times, doesn't seem like the best choice, but not all criminals are geniuses so I'll go along with it.

So the first couple levels are fun. You rob the bank, Lynch has an episode all the civilians turn into cops with pig heads, cause you know he's crazy. Then you have a fun little chase with you riding in the back of a van, pretty cool unless you're Lynch cause at this point the only weapon you can get is a shotgun or pistol, neither one really effective because they never get close. This turns out to be a major problem the whole game. Lynch always has a shotgun at the start of the level even if the level involves you sneaking through fields in Cuba, you might ask why you are in Cuba, but I can't really tell you cause I'm not sure myself. They tired to make an in depth story but mostly I couldn't figure out what was going on.

After like the first three levels you start just doing dumb stuff, that mostly is not fun. There is one part where you have to stop a giant dump truck from running over Kane's daughter cause, you know, the bad guys are bad. Mostly it's a game of chance if you manage to kill the guy, nothing really to do with skill just luck, which is super irritating. As an added bonus if you mess up, and you will (a ton), you get to watch a thirty second cut scene that you can't skip. This seems to be a common motif, because later, when you're in Cuba, The bad guys have Kane's daughter again, you start in the middle of a court yard with guys above you and no cover, yet a again it's pure chance if you don't die, and if you do, which you probably will, you get to listen to them bitch about Kane's daughter and whatever else is happening in the story for a good twenty seconds this time, yay fun!

So now we get to talk about the game play in general. First lets talk about the weapon selection, or lack there of. Essentially There is Kane's assault rifle, which starts as an M-4 and I believe turns in to a Galil, and whatever assault rifle the bad guys have, first an M-4 and the when you get to Cuba Ak-47s, they are about the same. And then the useless shotgun Lynch gets which you should drop for anything the first chance you get; it sucks that much. Then the controls. The buttons were ok, but it just seemed sloppy. The third person was again not bad but after playing Gears of War it made me mad sometimes. Also the levels where pretty much go to this place and kill everything in the way, which is the same as Halo but it just seemed not fun the way they did it. They put in grenades in almost as an after thought. They took so long to throw and you had to stand out of cover do so. When you really need them to take out large groups or a machine nest you are more likely to die then anything else. The graphics where yet again so-so. Kane and Lynch themselves looked pretty good, but the world was pretty bland and the bad guys all looked the same, the only difference between the cops and Cuban revolutionaries was the color of the uniform. Also the adrenaline was funny. There's no real good revive system in any game, but it just made me laugh that if you got hit by a tank round all you had to do was get a shot of adrenaline and you where cool

So in conclusion this game made me mad. At first I was like this is a fun co-op game but then it just started to suck, and became the opposite of fun. At one point I was happy to put it down and read bad Greek plays for class. I give it 5 out of 7 failpills