Pure Judgment Gaming: 5th Entry

Yes everyone, we're back for another round.

It was my birthday this weekend, thanks to all my friends for making it great. One of my presents was a cat figurine from the Dollar Tree that has the most evil and terrifying eyes I have ever seen. That's all I'm telling you.

Doom 3 - PC, Xbox - FPS

Ok so this week it's Doom 3's turn. Yes. You read that right. I DON'T LIKE DOOM 3. In fact, i think its downright awful. Here's why.

First off, this is a horror shooter. Where is the horror? This game simply isn't scary. Call me desensitized, but the only time I jumped from shock in this whole game was when the first zombie appears. After that, it was mind-numbingly predictable. Here's an example.

Player: Hmmm, there's a dead body over there. Also I hear demonic whispering. There must be a enemy or two over there.
*Player walks to said area*
Player: Damn flashlight. Why can't I use you and a weapon at the same time. This would be a perfect time to get ambushed.
Imp Demon: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! HISSSSSSSS!
Player: Fuck.

This happens over and over through out the game, and eventually you want to throw the disc at a wall. My favorite type of ambush (sarcasm) is when you're backed into a corner, and suddenly one of those hell hound things warps in, and begins doing terrible, prison cell things to you before you even know it happened.

The gratuitous blood and gore gets kind of old too. Sure, it makes sense that if i put a shotgun to a imp's head, and pull the trigger, the result is messy. But every corner i go around, there is another brutally murdered and dismembered scientist. (There are only so many scientists on this stupid rock called Mars, apparently demons like guys in white suits) Too much gore makes it just ridiculous. Not to mention there are a lot of operating tables in this base, and apparently the surgeons are terrible, because the tables are always slick with blood and covered in body parts. Remind me to never sign up for the Doom Health Plan.

Ok, I'll give it to them, for a shooter, this story is not half bad. Pretty good even. Pretty good until you open a portal from hell AND DEMONS START COMING THROUGH! How does this work? You're on Mars. Mars! Is hell even near Mars? And let's say i even buy that they can teleport to Mars. Why do they want to come to Mars? It's got zombies on it, so screw that, give it to the demons.

Moving on. The weapons are alright. I like the shotgun. I always like shotguns. Their overpowering silliness makes me happy. Then there's the pistol. Wow. I'm pretty sure calling the demons bad names would hurt them more than this freaking thing. Really though. Don't use it. The other guns are pretty rudimentary - assault rifle, plasma gun, rocket launcher...your run-of-the-mill sci-fi shooter. A run-of-the-mill weapons set doesn't make a already lame and limping game any better though...

Uh...the Soul Cube. Yeah, let's not even go there because...I...uh...wha...guh...retarded.

Oh, and thank you game developers of Doom 3, for trying to mix up the gameplay and put puzzles in the game. You assume i will get bored with shooting demons, and want to do some puzzles? Are you kidding? What the hell is this, Bubble Bobble? Why am i playing Doom 3? I have a RAGING HARD-ON TO KICK SOME FIREBALL-CHUCKING, DEVIL WORSHIPING DEMON ASS, that's why. But no. I have to slide some tiles around. You didn't put puzzles in here to mix up the gameplay. You just want to waste my time.

Hmm. Oh yes, i haven't had my flashlight hating rant yet. Look, let's face it, we're in a miltary base, and one of these gung-ho manly marines has to have some duct tape. Just grab that junk, wrap it on the flashlight, strap it to the gun, and now all of a sudden your game's players don't hate your existence anymore. Seriously, I get that having to switch to a flashlight makes it more creepy, or whatever, but when i start having to light my way by muzzle flashes so i don't get bum-rushed by flying death demons, I get a little annoyed.

Speaking of flying death demons - the enemies all look like they probably did come straight from hell. Sure. Yeah. But flying babies? Flying BABIES. They even whine like little children. Come on, couldn't you have done something less dumb? How about a winged, fire breathing serpent? See? I'm already miles ahead of you. Fire breathing serpents > flying babies that cry.

Also, the "bosses" are laughable. Really. The first one, that spider like thing, is just sad. I think i used two shotgun clips on it. Maybe. The final boss can only be described as total fail. I shot it twice with the rocket launcher. Two rockets to the dome, and I had beaten the biggest monster in all of hell. It makes tons of sense.

Bottom line - Doom 3 is a shooter than does several things pretty decently, a lot of stuff badly, and throw in a handful of mediocre weapons to make it lackluster. There are worse games, but there are DEFINITELY better ones. A lot of them. Like most of them.

All that considered, Doom 3 earns its way to a score of two and a half out of seven faillights.