This week I am changing it up a bit, and I am going to review our first movie, In the Name of the King, starring Jason Statham.
Also, I am going to give a spoiler alert, but honestly, if you watch this movie because you want to see the story unfold, you're doing it wrong.
In The Name of the King - DVD - Action/Fantasy/Adventure
All right, so, first off this movie is hilarious. I don't think i can stress enough how funny this movie is. However, it isn't supposed to be funny. It's just that bad.
Secondly, Jason Statham is awesome. He never stops stomping face in this movie. Or any movie he is in, for that matter. In this case, i think he took this movie because he felt he needed to expand his repetoire into comedy. Either way, Jason, buddy, you're not a B-list actor, don't do this to yourself.
If you've ever played a game like World of Warcraft, or Dungeon Siege (which the movie is apparently based off of), or seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies, or read any kind of fantasy novel, you know the deal. It goes like this.
1. Hero is introduced.
2. Hero kicks some preliminary ass.
3. Hero's loved one dies/is captured/both. (In this case, both.)
4. Hero kicks lots of ass.
5. Hero wins.
OK so, Jason Statham is Farmer, an....uh... farmer whose son is killed by the Krugs (really though, they are Orcs from LOTR) and whose wife is captured by the ubiquitous bad-guys. So Jason Statham being the kind of guy he is, goes off to get revenge. (Revenge, yes, but revenge is so different when it's Jason doing it.)
But before he can leave, he's gotta fight off the remaining Krug (ORCS!) in his village. Know how he does it? With a BOOMERANG. Yeah, pretty much the best thing ever.
Once that's done, a few volunteers come along with him, and it's off to reclaim wifey.
Along the way they have a few random encounters, but one is by far my favorite. Our heroes begin to wander through the forest, when they are captured by what i can only accurately describe as tree-ninjas. I think what they were going for was a dryad or a druid of some sort, but tree-ninja is much better. At any rate, a massively POINTLESS scene ensues where Jason says to let them go, the tree-ninjas say OK, sorry to bother you, and everyone goes on their way. Really. That's the whole scene. Ridiculous.
So now we've arrived near the castle (which is ruled by everyone's favorite, Turd Ferguson...err, Burt Reynolds). There is some stuff in the middle I've missed, but it really, REALLY doesn't matter.
Ray Liotta makes a hilarious appearance as a evil wizard - his character must exist to have all of the bad lines, the man never says one line that isn't beyond hilarious. (YOU WISH TO ACCELERATE!?!?!? FINE! WE SHALL ACCELERATE!) Matthew Lillard plays the stupid and greedy heir to the throne, who is league with the wizard to overthrow Turd (Burt Reynolds, dammit). Also, Johnathan Rhys-Davies plays a good wizard, much different from his role as Gimli in LOTR.
So now at this point we're in the middle of a huge battlefield, the king's army versus a ragtag band led by our man Jason.
The battle commences, and as far as battle sequences go, this one is not too terrible. Really. Its actually fairly enjoyable, and it isn't hilariously bad either. But then, something amazing happens.
Legions of NINJAS appear! That's right, legions. No they aren't the tree ninjas either. But then, just as you recover from the addition of ninjas, then (you guessed it) the TREE NINJAS return to help out our beloved hero. But even when you thought it couldn't get more ridiculous, a rotting hand emerges from the ground, and now, ZOMBIES join the fray! (If by this point in the film, you aren't able to breathe from laughter, something is wrong with you.) So after this giant battle of ridiculous proportions, our man Jason comes out on top, outcasts the greedy heir, and takes his place as the real king, with his newly reclaimed wife at his side. That's right, a twist ending, how could we have known Jason was the real heir to the throne? TELL US, TURD FERGUSON. HOW?!
The best (and probably only way) to watch this movie is with a huge group of your friends. So while it is a terrible, terrible movie, it is redeemed by its accidental humor value.
All in all, a bad movie, but a great thing to do when bored. I give In the Name of the King 3 out of seven fail ninjas.
(Thanks to myself and Poke's good friend GADs for the awesome ninja pic)
Also, this movie is directed by Uwe Boll - you should know, this guy is infamous in Hollywood for just making terrible movies. Also, he is infamous for generally being a dick. He also has a apparent enjoyment of calling various critics and directors "retards." Way to go, Uwe. Deutschland is proud.
Uwe Boll has released a video stating that he is "the only genius in the whole fucking [movie] business" and that other directors such as Michael Bay and Eli Roth are "fucking retards". (Wikipedia)
Blair Erickson, a writer of a treatment for Alone in the Dark, has written a critical account of his experience working with Boll, in which Erickson alleges that Boll stole ideas from prior movies and wanted to add elements to the story that were not true to the tone of the source material. Uwe chose to not use Erickson's script, citing reasons such as it having "not enough car chases." (Wikipedia)
Blizzard Entertainment refused Boll's request to make a World of Warcraft adaptation; Boll said, "I got in contact with Paul Sams of Blizzard, and he said, 'We will not sell the movie rights, not to you... especially not to you.'" (Wikipedia)
All right everyone, and with that, till next time.
- GoofyTooth
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